I never expected this day to finally arrive.
My whole life I've always thought about it but I never realised how much it would affect me. But today was the day that I had to say goodbye to her. As much as I hated the thought of it, I knew there was no going back in time.
Empty. I felt empty.
I couldn't move.
I could hear everyone talking around me but it was all just a blur. I felt as if I was about to just fall to the ground and never wake up again. Everyone kept asking me the same thing,
“Are you ok?”
Those words were constantly floating around me. Am I ok?
I didn't even know the answer myself.
I felt as if I was about to explode with anger and frustration but at the same time I just wanted to run away from everyone and everything. Everyone kept ignoring me as if I were a ghost. Nobody cared how I was feeling, they all just expected me to be fine. I was anything but fine.
I stood there looking at people walking by and wondering to myself if anyone was going to stop and just hug me. All I needed was one hug, it was all I asked for.
My hands were trembling so violently that I couldn't see their outline anymore. I could hear every heartbeat. I tried to reach for something, anything that would just distract me from reality. But nothing seemed to work.
“Just breathe, it's simple. All you need to do is breathe.” I thought to myself.
Usually, I could calm myself down easily, but today was different. Nothing was the same anymore. I couldn't bear to fake a smile anymore. Everything was tense and every muscle in my body was twitching. My eyes were filling up with so many tears that everything turned blurry.
People were constantly pushing past me. Everyone was always moving, while I was always standing in the same place looking at the same spot the whole time.
“She’s gone…. She’s gone.” I kept repeating those exact words in my mind. I missed her smile, I missed her jokes, I missed everything about her. Life was worthless without her. I just wanted to disappear into thin air.
I made up scenarios in my mind to trick myself into thinking she was still here with me, which helped for a bit. But after a few minutes the sadness would come back to me and I would realise that I would never see her again. I wanted to go back in time so desperately.
I couldn't hold anything in anymore, I needed help but no one was there to help me. I felt a sense of guilt rush through me.
“What if I could have prevented this from happening?” I tortured myself with that thought every second of every day since it had happened.
Her voice kept echoing in my head, she kept repeating the same thing to me
“Thank you my dear.”
I will never forget those exact words, because that was the last time I would ever hear her beautiful and soft voice.
It was all just a memory now.