I never planned this. By this, I meant letting someone look through the only secret I was supposed to bury deep into history. Along with at least twenty bodies. It wasn’t something you could just trust anyone with. Not even the person you share a bed with. The average of a normal person would. I persumed that sealing my lips was a duty worth all the pain suffered alone. Away from the common concience.
Yet, when she found me like this… On the cold grey floor, knees pressed against my upper body, shaking, silent tears streaming down my face-
I wasn’t even turning pages of the Hamptons’s only album they left behind. The only item confirming their existance.
The sad habit of skimming through died with time. It prevented me from thinking straight during periods of an abnormal flood of thoughts. Distracting. So I held it open on one particular page. Staring at a picture. Always the same one. A reminder of my sanity. That I really survived everything they didn’t. It was one of the countless classic family photos, where everyone dressed up and were forced to re-take it multiple times. Until it was immaculate. I always felt like it was taken centuries ago. In an other lifetime. Somebody else’s. With people in it who were strangers to me.
You may ask what makes this picture so different from others. Why I keep coming back to it. It’s the last one taken. The whole family together. By the fireplace on Christmas Eve. Usually a day related to peace and warmth. Yet in my mind that day left a cold burning scar behind. I was just eight back then…and as pathetic as it might sound, taking the trash out saved my life.
—Jordan…I-I didn’t see you there! — stumbeling over words with a clumsy and raspy voice, I slammed the album shut. My movements precise, yet hurried. A bit too harsh. The fine plastic compartments which were holding the photographs in place, slapped each other. Detatching themselves from thick paper pages a little more. Trying to break free. Like I tried, but from life.
Raising my hand, I wiped at my wet cheeks and puffy eyes. To get rid of the shameful evidence that tears left behind. Even though she saw them before, as well as this time around. I was aware. But old habits die hard.
Leaning down, looming over me, she cupped my chin, then wiped off one or the other fresh tear. My vision blurred over, before I blinked the water away to see her more clearly.
Then, reaching for one of my hands, long curls spilled over her shoulders. Dark turbulent waterfalls crashing down around my vision field, casting a big shadow. In hope to rescue me from every drowning thought and undiscovered wound. To save me from myself.
We sat down on the chilly black leathern couch. Which grew rougher to the touch with age. Especially because I didn’t care enough to maintain it.
—C’mere — she gently guided me into her lap in order to put her arms around me. Pulling me into her warmth. Into comfort and safety. Her voice was soft like nothing I’ve experienced so far. She wasn’t one of the extreme gentle type who would butter you up at every occasion. Empathy was one of her strong suits, yes. Accompanied by such an exceptional straight forwardness that is one of the rarest in our modern society. She knew better than anyone that bluntness wasn’t what was needed right this second. Both of us had our moments when all we wanted was being cradled and rocked gently back and forth.
Loosening her hold after some time, her fingers took a walk over my skin. Warm and soft over cold and rough. She gently pried the book from my grasp, that I still was desperately holding onto.
—May I? — To my surprise I gave my consent with an almost unnoticable nod. Linking one hand with one of mine, she opened the door to the one and only secret I was unable to share. Completely in oblivion at first.
Treating it like a sacrileg, page after page, she gazed at every photo. Occasionally brushing her fingers over one or the other. Whenever she recognized my face in them. Each time I was smiling. A bright and big goofy grin spread over my frozen features. She’s never seen me smiling before.
Suddenly she stopped in her tracks. Halting at the picture I was studying before. As abruptly as she stopped, my memories went back to the instant this photo was taken. Just a few minutes before my mom sent me out with the trash. The whole day were meaningless events blurred together in a mess. The only thing that mattered was when I turned back towards the house, it was already engulfed by flames. I could hear their screams and I knew that no matter what I would do, I will keep hearing them for the rest of my life.
Settling her head on my shoulder, she reminded me of the reality. Focusing now entirely on my partner, I turned my head a little. Enough for our eyes to meet. The depths of the vivid and stormy dark blue ocean collided on the horizon with my eyes, pale blue like the winter sky, clouded by grey intonations.
—Gladys, who are these people? — she asked after a moment of silence. I didn’t need any specifications. Her interest wasn’t focused on knowing the name of every family member. My memory lost most of the names with all those years passing by with one single blink of an eye. Hell, I hardly knew them at all! All that was left were a few scattered names in my head.
—They’re all smiles that fade with time — my facial expression froze. Unchanged. Not even a sad smile. Around her I could be myself. Without the pretend smiles expected from society. No more meaningless tears. No pointless anger.
—Whose smiles do you miss most? —
—Mine. —The answer was that simple. I feared it nonetheless. Why didn’t I miss anyone else’s?
Breaking eye contact, I leaned my head back, nestling it onto her shoulder. Seeking silent support. Drawing her focus on picture yet again.
We went back to silence. I knew her well by now. Better than any family that I ever had. One more question was troubling her, I could feel that by the way her thumb was drawing frantic patterns on the back of my hand. She wasn’t sure if asking me was the right procedure. Afraid of the concequences. She was right to be scared. I was too. For I knew that she was about to rip me open and I would very much let her. At this point we were already past the point where I’d try pushing her away.
—Why? — nothing more than a whisper reached my ears. Against my back, I could feel her abdominal muscles contract. Her fingers threaded through mine, tightening her grip. Grounding me as well as herself. I squeezed back.
—Because I didn’t pretend. Before everything started to fall apart, I was innocent. Naive. Truly happy. —
—Before everything? —
I didn’t answer. Not yet. But the urge to tell her grew stronger by the second. Consuming every other thought. Concentrating on destroying my inner walls. To finally share the burden. The heavy print left on the memory of the last Hampton. Even tough I shouldn’t-
—The gas leak was no accident. —