As the sun fell and the stars rose, I went out almost every night to sit on that cliff, watching as the moon grew brighter and the black sea beneath it crashed upon the shore. The older I got and the later I stayed out, I began to notice a phenomenon that our town never spoke of. Some time past ten, a few disembodied lights would appear far on the water just beyond the reefs, growing in number until almost the whole horizon was full of enchanting lights. It was as if stars had fallen from their place in the sky to float on the surface of the ocean, their lights twinkling and dancing on the waves.
I was delighted by the sight of them as a child, but as I grew older, I found myself being drawn to them. Some nights it felt like there was an invisible rope tethered to my heart, gradually growing shorter, physically pulling me towards them. It was always hard to resist, but on the nights when I felt especially tired and weak, I had to return home so as not to lose myself to the sea in pursuit of the lights.
Tonight was one of those nights. Closing my coat tighter around my body, I made my way out to my usual spot by the tree. Breathing as deeply as I possibly could, as if it was in short supply, I sighed as the cold seaside air filled my lungs. I laid down my blanket and sat, leaning back against the tree thrunk as I brought my knees up to my chest. When anxiety hits, as it so frequently does, I find myself back here, staring out at the night sky over the ocean - pitch black, terrifying, yet endlessly alluring. Even as a child, I considered this clifftop to be my hiding spot, my home. Despite the drop, I was somehow still allowed to hide and play in the woods that resided on the cliff's edge. Now I wonder if it was wise of my parents to let their child roam about in such a dangerous place, but I'm thankful that they did.
The lights hadn't appeared yet, but I didn't mind. One of my favourite parts of being out at night was watching them appear, a few flickering lights at first, then slowly growing in number. A huge sigh escaped from my lips, my chest heaving heavily. The thousands of voices I hear most - I'm not good enough, I'm a burden, I'm undeserving of love, I'm alone. As the hyperventilation slowly creeps in, my chest begins to feel heavy and tight as if I'm tied up with thick ropes that are slowly but surely tightening around me, not stopping until I finally burst. I lean my head against the tree, closing my eyes tightly as a few tears begin to spill down my cheek. I'm desperately trying to fight the incoming breakdown when I see it out of my corner of my eye - the few lights beginning to twinkle on the horizon. I stared out at the dancing lights, hearing a faint melody in the wind.
After dismissing the melody, deciding it was simply wind playing tricks on me, I sat up and wiped the tears as I unfurled from my almost 'fetal' sitting position. As much as it scared me, I decided that tonight was the night that I was going to chase the lights.
I stood up, quickly removing my coat and shoes before breaking into a full sprint. I squeezed through a hole in the fence that attempted to keep people from the old cliffside staircase, trying my best to ignore all the stories of the missing people that prompted the installation of the fence. The seaside wind burned my face as I skipped over the last few steps, jumping down onto the beach and sprinting the final stretch to the water as if it were a race. I came to an abrupt stop just above where the waves could reach, momentarily paralyzed as I considered what I was about to do. Dry-mouthed, out of breath, and terrified, I considered going back home and simply climbing back into bed, only to pretend nothing happened and that the lights were nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I knew all the claims about those lights, I knew they were supposedly linked to all unsolved cases of missing persons, and I knew by chasing the lights I may join them. But something deep within me, something unexplainable, told me that it was okay.
I stepped forward, the cold waves lapping at my feet and the bottoms of my jeans. I froze for another moment, only to overcome it by frantically removing the rest of my clothes, leaving me in my undergarments, before throwing myself entirely into the water. Despite how far away the lights appeared to be, I beagn to swim out towards the reef, praying they would prove to be something of significance.
For the first time in what felt like years, my mind was clear, empty even. The voices that had tormented me for months on end were gone, and the only thing I could hear was the crashing of waves on the shore behind me, partnered with the sounds of my steady breathing. It was refreshing to exist without anxiety for a moment, to simply be.
Once I reached the reef, I took a brief moment to stand on the coral, allowing me to catch my breath and take in my surroundings. As I looked around, my breath was entirely taken away. Looking back to the island, I could see the sparse lights of the village as the last few people were going to bed. I could see the waves, illuminated by the moonlight, crashing upon the shore and the rocky cliffside. I could see my tree, my hideout, sitting upon the highest cliff. I could see my own home and the final light flickering out as my parents retired for the night, entirely unaware or unbothered by my abscence.
I then turned around, only to see what has kept me going through these last few years. Not only the stars, perfectly reflected in the black ocean but the enchanting lights, twinkling as if they themselves were stars.
After I had regained my breath, I pushed off of the reef and began to swim again, this time aiming for the buoy that seemed to be much closer to the mights than I initially imagined. Part of me believed they were only a figment of my imagination, made up by my subconcious simply to keep me going. Nevertheless, I continued to swim, this time struggling a bit against the current as I got past the main bay and slowly but surely made my way out into the open waters.
Eventually, I reached the old buoy, barely hoisting myself up onto its ledge and catching my breath. I seemed to be a bit closer to the lights, but they still looked too far for me to reach on my own. My chest started to tighten once again as I realized that I would never reach the lights, and the panic began to set in. I brought my knees back up to my chest and leaned back on the beams of the buoy as I so often did with my tree. As I buried my face into my knees, I began to tremble as the sobs came quickly and erratically.
Suddenly I heard a soft melody, growing closer. Frozen in both awe and fear, I strained to listen to the mysterious music. It appeared to be humming, like a woman. As impossible as it was, it was the most beautiful melody I had ever heard. Tears still streaming, I slowly lifted my head, nearly choking when I discovered that not only was the voice growing closer but that it was accompanied by one of the mystery lights. Watching in both fear and curiosity, I pulled myself farther up onto the buoy and clung desperately onto the beam I had just been leaning against. Suddenly the light stopped directly in front of me, the humming ending with it. The silence was deafening as I waited in suspense, only for my heart to drop when a face emerged from the water.
She was the most enchanting creature I had ever seen. Her features were dramatic and sharp, paired with midnight hair that fell past her shoulders and into the water. I stared, unblinking, at the impossible creature before me, barely noticing the necklace that hung around her neck. The pendant was glowing dimly, losing it's light as she stared right back at me. Almost as if she had stolen my voice, I was barely able to speak.
"Who are you?" I was horrified to ask, afraid that this woman may not be a gentle mermaid but instead a spiteful siren, eagerly awaiting my demise. She remained silent, clearly amused by my stature of great bravery as I was curled up in the tightest ball possible.
"Who are you?" I asked again, my voice slightly louder this time. She did not respond to my question. Instead, she asked me a question of her own.
"Why did you come here?" I desperately searched her face for some hint of emotion, hoping to figure out what her intentions were and how much of a threat she may be. She stared back at me without expression, clearly awaiting my answer.
"You've been crying. Why did you come here?" She asked again. I wiped my remaining tears and straightened myself as I answered.
"I don't know." Much to my surprise, she responded this time without hesitation.
"Surely you have some reason." Shocked by her fluency and her almost empathetic demeanor, I respond hesitantly.
"I really don't know." I take a deep breath, loosening my posture a bit before continuing. "I was having a bad night when I felt the sudden urge to follow the lights. I didn't realize those lights were you." She continued to stare, still expressionless as she seemed to still be sizing me up. After a moment, she spoke again.
"You heard our song?"
"Briefly, at first." I swallowed as the fear returned, a weight settling deep in my chest. At this point, I could only believe that she was a siren and that I was her next kill. "Then I heard it again when I came out here." She stared at me again, creating what felt like another eternity of silence before speaking.
"Only the heartbroken can hear our song." Her words felt like a punch straight to my gut, taking the breath from my lungs. As new tears stung in my eyes, threatening to spill over, my voice broke. I knew I had been struggling, but to hear someone else say it so bluntly, especially someone you had never met, it hit very close to home.
"Only the heartbroken, huh?" I croak out, trying desperately to maintain my composure in hopes that I would not appear to be easy prey.
"Yes." Wiping my tears that had indeed spilled, despite my desperate attempts to stay collected, I looked down at my hands.
"Then what? You lure them out only to drown them?" I scoff, looking back up at the creature to see her head tilted once again, surprised to see that she was now bearing an expression that resembled genuine empathy.
"We offer them new lives." My heart dropped once again, my eyes brimming with tears as the siren, knowingly or not, pulled at my heartstrings. The voice in the back of my head told me to keep my guard up, that this was nothing more than a trap. But something inexplicable, at the bottom of my heart, told me that she was being truthful.
"What?" I reply, my voice barely above a whisper.
"We offer them new lives. The chance to be freed of their burden and heartbreak. To start anew." My mind was now spinning, every previous fear and assumptions now long forgotten. Tears began to stream down my face yet again as I thought about the very possibility of starting over and being happy again.
"Do you want to be freed?" She asked softly as she placed her hands on mine. I hesitated for a moment, nodding slowly when I could not find strength to speak. She waited until she had my attention, her eyes meeting mine.
"Are you sure?" She asked again, searching for certainty in my response. I nodded again, my voice breaking as I reply.
"Yes." She smiled slightly, hesitating before lifitng her hand to my face. For a moment, she caressed my cheek, showing compassion and hospitality as she wiped away my last tears. She then pulled me gently into the water, giving me a comforting smile before putting her lips on mine. Without breaking the kiss, she pulled me under the surface, sinking deeper and deeper.
As we descended into darkness and I gradually lost consciousness, I shoudl have felt cold, fearful and weak. Instead, I felt warm, safe and comfort. For years I had looked out from my clifftop, dreaming about what lies on the horizon. I never believed that I would get a second chance at life. And it never even crossed my mind that I would owe it to the lights in the distance.