I wish I would tell you this face to face
But we both went on such separate ways
That it’s unlikely we’ll ever see us again
And I don’t like the idea that there’s no happy end
This has to be done, whether said or read
So a text will do, from my hands to your head
This has to get off of my and your chest
This heaviness and shortness of breath
That joined me, slowly in my own bed
Has kept me awake all of last night
While my brain showed me things that I did not like
It brought me back to primary school
Where the youth runs, where cool meets cruel
Where there’s no evil if there’s no rule
I thought I knew how things could unfold
From - and his stories untold
Although we both were so much akin
Shared friends and enjoyed the same things
I wanted to be the opposite of him
So I became bully instead of victim
I hated all girls and they hated you too
That meant nothing would happen if something happened to you
They said behind your back what I told to your face
‘You fat, ugly, dumb –‘
I just want to say I’m sorry for what I did
I recognized a pattern and pushed to its extreme
If it was cool to be bad then I would be mean
I recognized a pattern and pushed to its extreme
If it was mature to yell then I’d punch and scream
I recognized a pattern and pushed to its extreme
This must be ok since nobody intervenes
What I want to tell you can no longer wait
I made fun of you because of your shape
But you gained weight ‘cause I made fun of you
And my great hate did not fade, no it grew
I couldn’t bear looking at myself most of the time
So to pretend you were ugly seemed fine
As to why I thought to know you were dumb
Is ‘cause I moron thought grades meant wisdom
You weren’t that good at school, so what?
How were you supposed to know what was up
when your parents couldn’t help you with the subjects taught?
They came to this place for the sake of their kid
And had to learn the same things you also did
All of these languages foreign to you
All of this work and no-one to turn to
Why listen to a teacher who thinks her failing’s your fault
Why listen at all if all you hear are insults?
She yells at you because you were late
Until everyone sees the tears on your face
And she says she wants to speak to your parents
But whatever the tongue, there’s nothing to fathom
When you reason with someone with none of it left
Who reasons in violence and thinks it’s for the best
And as I sat by, watching you being chastised
The ever same question came up in my mind
The ever, ever same question behind
All of our deaths and all of our lives
Every failed try and every told lie
The title of all news that make you wanna cry
Why?
I just want to say I’m sorry for what I did
I recognized a pattern and pushed to its extreme
If it was cool to be bad then I would be mean
I recognized a pattern and pushed to its extreme
If it was mature to yell then I’d punch and scream
I recognized a pattern and pushed to its extreme
This must be ok since nobody intervenes
I suppose I more or less get it now
You were just different and you know somehow
That’s enough of an excuse for someone to say
Something at some point that is not okay
‘That’s what we’re doing? Let me show you how it’s done’
It’s easy to outdo the worst of first ones
The first one I looked up to looked up to someone else
Who looked up to someone else who looked up to someone else
Who looked up to someone else who looked up to someone else
So they never figured out who they were themselves
And each of them looked down on the one lower
If you were less cool, then why the hell bother
See, I tried to be cool but I plainly failed
Because in that trying I was not myself
But in your non-trying, in you being you
In you not conforming although you’re ridiculed
You were… the ultimate cool
And the thing is, I was different too
I knew all about having foreign traits
But my difference was that I was afraid
To fear was one of my guidelines from home
Fights and disputes were a routine of their own
I just want to say I’m sorry for what I did
I recognized a pattern and pushed to its extreme
If it was cool to be bad then I would be mean
I recognized a pattern and pushed to its extreme
If it was mature to yell then I’d punch and scream
I recognized a pattern and pushed to its extreme
This must be ok since nobody intervenes
We’re twelve now, it’s over, the six years passed
We roam different schools, we took different paths
And as soon as I could, I started anew
To pick out and on those who’d remind me of you
And as it happens, I got it too
The soft version of what you had to go through
While on your side, supposedly
Things worked out how they were supposed to be
You lost weight, gained friends and confidence
Met a handsome boy who became your boyfriend
Smart and beautiful, you can’t stop to grin
You became the person you’ve always been…
While I’m still dealing with fear and shame
Parts of which will forever remain
Because even if I was just a kid
And even if you’re happy and over it
Even if you’ve been so kind to acquit
I was responsible for what I did
Not my or your parents and not another
Not the silence, not the laughter of the others
Not even the teacher and not you yourself
For what I did I needed no help
So if you’re a bully – of any age
Just know that at some point you’ll drop that rage
When you’ll like who you are, accept who you were
The difference between you and them blurs
Look around to find yourself and you’ll see
That the key to love in life is empathy
Synchronized heartbeats, everybody’s healing
Everybody’s thoughts and everybody’s feelings
Everybody’s deaf and everybody’s screaming
And if you’re the one under his or hers thumb
Just know that
As long as there’s laughs between the cries
You already won