I put my heart in your hands
Now I am empty again
*
Sometimes the feelings burst out of me
(I cannot control it)
And the only thing that’s left
Is regret regret regret
*
I will look for you in everything
and everyone
And nothing will ever come close.
You are alive and yet
You haunt me.
*
They ask you ‘Where does it hurt?’
You motion to your chest and say
‘Everywhere’
*
I have learned from my mistakes.
I will make them again.
*
I stand in front of a broken mirror.
A thousand reflections stare back at me.
Which one of them is me?
*
All these feelings have built up
And I am right back where I was;
Writing poetry about you.
I wonder
If I told you I write about you
Would you recognize the poems?
*
You look at me and
It feels like
Your eyelash got
In my eye and
It makes me wanna cry
Please look away
*
If I try just a little harder
If I go just a little farther
It might become real
I might start to feel
*
If I lay down on this street
And wait just long enough
I may feel
- The raindrops on my open palms
Tiny droplets piercing my skin –
I may feel the vibrations the rain creates
as it pours down on the concrete.
I may close my eyes
And focus on the feeling
Of the rain on my eyelids, on my face
The way it numbs my skin;
Nothing else.
The vibrations may swell up to a ripple in the street
A wave, a wave, an ocean
And if I’m lucky enough
If I wait just long enough
The street might open up
(and swallow me whole)
*
And now that I am writing about you
I am scared I will never
Be able to stop
*
I have decided I will stop writing.
I have decided I will stop writing because every time I write it rips my heart right out of my chest and I can see my heart
– I can see my whole soul –
Being thrown against the wall full force
And I can see it slide down and leave marks on the bright green wall paint
And it hurts.
I do not know if I can bear the pain of looking my feelings in the eyes and trapping them in poems.
*
My heart screams and screams and screams
Seeking and reaching relentlessly, endlessly
And it longs so much that it bursts at the seams
And I run through my dreams just to find what it needs
But it never stops
And I beg and I sob-
When will it run out of breath?
Will it only be silent in death?