67

Gavrilov Arsenii


'I Realized It Was My Responsibility'

  Thursday, the tenth of January. Thursday is not a great day nor a horrible one. It is not the end of the week but it is not the beginning either. Something in between. My life was always like that. But, in the last couple of years my life was the definition of the word ‘stagnation’.

 

     It seemed like I lost the ability to emphasize anyone, even if it is the closest person to me. I am married, yes, but would I dare to call it a happy marriage? Certainly not. My wife might be happy, since I mastered the ability to pretend like I care what is happening around me and that I am happy.

     

I genuinely do not remember the last time I was actually happy. Every day I put a mask on my face, whilst the people around me put on their masks as well. I wear a mask and I am surrounded by masks. I am slowly becoming a mask, a tiny shadow of what I used to be just five years ago. What went wrong? 

 

     Was it when I met my wife, Angela? Or when my parents divorced? Or when my best friend left the country? I honestly do not know, but the fact is that my soul is drained, and my life hardly has any meaning, or purpose.

 

     Friday, the eleventh of January. Am I feeling better? Yes, I would say so, just slightly and solely due to the fact that it is the end of the week and I can ‘relax’ for two days. However, the thing is that I cannot just sit on my couch for two days and do nothing. The feeling of doing nothing is eating me from the inside, if there is anything left in there. So, what I do is drown myself in work. The sad reality is that it is better to be drowned by responsibilities rather than your own thoughts. I am escaping myself, because if I do not my apathy and depression come back. Now I will have dinner and go to sleep. I am always so tired. The feeling of fatigue has been following me for way too long now, but there really is not anything I can do about it.


     Sunday, the nineteenth of January. Today Angela took a pregnancy test. It turned out to be positive. A baby. What now? I realize that it is my responsibility, but it is just too much for me. The only two ways I see is either leave the country or commit suicide, but I am definitely not going to do that since I am too weak to even think about it. I guess I will just have to say goodbye to Angela and New York and try to embrace my new life. I know that I am a pathetic coward.
 




67: 11:29 Fri, 22 March 2024 by : Gavrilov Arsenii age : 15